"It seems like my dog really loves me. He cuddles in my bed and gets excited when I get home. My girlfriend says he's just sucking up to me for food. What do you think?" - Ronnie, Los Angeles

 

Don’t worry Ronnie. Your dog truly loves you. He also loves the smell and taste of his own ass. He loves chewing up your new phone, knocking over the trash and peeing on the couch during your dinner party. I’d say the real question is: Do you love him? Or is he just a substitute for that baby you never had? Come to think of it, do your parents really love you or is their affection just a vestigial biological, evolutionary chemical reaction in your brain to help the species survive. Kind of like the evolutionary reaction that makes you piss your pants when you’re scared.

Humans fall in love for all the wrong reasons. Why deny your dog that same right? If you can love a man for his Porsche, his rock-hard abs or because he’s friends with a member of Pearl Jam, let your dog love the hand that feeds him - no questions asked. It’s not like he has the option to dump you. (Although if he dumped ON you enough it would probably do the trick.) And after all, you’ve cut his balls off and locked him inside all day. He doesn’t need to hunt or fuck or burrow. Food is the center of his life. So, yeah. Your dog probably loves you because you feed him. But he doesn’t know that and you shouldn’t care. It's your girlfriend's motives I'd be suspicious of.

"I've decided to get a tattoo, but I'm not sure what I should get? Any ideas?" - Morgan, San Diego

 

Well, Morgan. So you’re getting a tattoo. Good for you! Tattoos are just the thing to make men to seem more virile and dangerous, and to make women to seem more exotic and whorish – in a good way. I can’t tell you what to get. You’ll need to figure that out for yourself. But I can tell you what you should definitely not get, so you’ll wind up a badass, and not an embarrassment.

First of all, unless it’s a simple, classic design, never pick a tattoo off the wall of the tattoo shop. Hundreds of other people have that same flaming tiger and if you pick it, you’re a stupid boner. Never design your own tattoo. If you’re not an artist, you’ll draw something bad that other people will know is ugly even if you don’t. Or if you are an artist, you’ll be constantly staring at and critiquing your own work, thinking, “Dude, I could totally draw a better sparrow now. That beak looks like a candy corn. Why was I such a boner?”

Never get a tattoo based on a cartoon, comic book, movie or album cover. You don’t want to be a walking advertisement or allusion to someone else’s body of work. Total boner move. Don’t get a tattoo in a language or design that belongs to another culture. No matter how much you wish you were Asian, Celtic or Maori, if you ain’t then that tattoo will just make you a poser and your true ethnicity will be Bonerish.

Don’t get matching tattoos with your boy/girlfriend. After you get dumped it will just be a painful reminder, and really awkward for your next relationship. Twin Hansel & Gretel Halloween costumes are easier to take off and much less bonery. Also, don’t get a meaningful, emotional tattoo anywhere people can see it. Strangers at parties will ask you what it means, and do you really want to get all deep and personal with people you just met? If you actually do want to rub your sensitivity on people you just met, then you’re a lame-ass boner anyway.

Don’t get a tattoo of a person who is hotter than you are. If your tattoo commemorates someone who died, please God don’t tattoo their portrait. No matter how much you love Jesus or hate the Jews, leave the crosses and swastikas off your arms. Don’t get wings on your back. Don’t get a swirley pattern above your ass-crack that looks like you traced it off the back window of a van. Nothing tribal. No barcodes. No corporate logos. Nothing funny. Nobody’s name. No skulls. No barbed wire. In fact, you probably shouldn’t get a tattoo at all because you’ll probably just fuck it up get something stupid screams, “Boner, boner, boner!” Just go get your nipples pierced instead.