"I just feel ugly lately. I know it's superficial, but it sucks when guys just don't bother asking you out. I just want to give up and go hide." - Karen, New York

I'm sorry you feel ugly. Feeling ugly is worse than feeling stupid and hungry combined. But let me first ask you an important question. Are you? Really. Are you? Are you actually ugly, or are you one of those pretty girls who goes around whining about your two pimples and asking if your size 1 ass looks fat in jeans three sizes too small? Shit, even Gandhi would have muffin-top in jeans like that. I have nothing but contempt for hot girls who go around grunting about how ugly they are just to get people to tell them they’re pretty. Ugliness is a serious problem, and what you’re doing is disgusting. You’re like someone with a twisted ankle calling herself a ‘cripple’ for sympathy points. Basically, if you’re more Madonna than Medusa, you can just shut your full, perky lips. You sicken me.

On the other hand if you’re actually hideous or even just slightly repulsive, my heart goes out to you. It would be great if we lived in a world where you were judged by the size of your heart, not the size of your ass. It would also be nifty to live in a world without war, a two-day work week, and free magical unicorn rides on your birthday. Unfortunately, here in reality the pretty people have it so much better. And you have to pay for those birthday unicorn rides.

The good news is that anyone can get hotter. The bad news is that you probably won’t. You already know what you need to do to turn up your physical attraction thermostat a few degrees. Do you need to eat less crap? Pluck more hair? Start taking regular showers? You know exactly what you should do. You just don’t feel like doing it. So instead, you go buy some new shoes and a self-help book you read two chapters of before it winds up wedged under the broken end of your dresser. (At least it helps to level out something.)

If you’re too lazy to change, too poor to get that nose job, or too clueless to buy clothes you look good in, there’s only one thing you can do: Own it. Whatever it is that makes you ugly, pretend like that’s your greatest attribute. This isn’t some feel-good crap about loving yourself before others can love you. That’s not true. You just have to fake that you love yourself . Just pretend, and if you tell that lie enough it will start to become true. Lying is the best way to solve many of life’s problems. When you can’t buy your way out, lie your way out. Remember that, and you’ll be a giant, hairy, hook-nosed, pimply, flat-chested, stinky goddess. I’ve got a boner for you already.

"It seems like my dog really loves me. He cuddles in my bed and gets excited when I get home. My girlfriend says he's just sucking up to me for food. What do you think?" - Ronnie, Los Angeles

 

Don’t worry Ronnie. Your dog truly loves you. He also loves the smell and taste of his own ass. He loves chewing up your new phone, knocking over the trash and peeing on the couch during your dinner party. I’d say the real question is: Do you love him? Or is he just a substitute for that baby you never had? Come to think of it, do your parents really love you or is their affection just a vestigial biological, evolutionary chemical reaction in your brain to help the species survive. Kind of like the evolutionary reaction that makes you piss your pants when you’re scared.

Humans fall in love for all the wrong reasons. Why deny your dog that same right? If you can love a man for his Porsche, his rock-hard abs or because he’s friends with a member of Pearl Jam, let your dog love the hand that feeds him - no questions asked. It’s not like he has the option to dump you. (Although if he dumped ON you enough it would probably do the trick.) And after all, you’ve cut his balls off and locked him inside all day. He doesn’t need to hunt or fuck or burrow. Food is the center of his life. So, yeah. Your dog probably loves you because you feed him. But he doesn’t know that and you shouldn’t care. It's your girlfriend's motives I'd be suspicious of.