"There is a really old jar of peanut butter in my fridge. I think it moved with me from my last apartment. Its just peanuts, and you don’t refrigerate nuts, so it should still be good, right?" - Anonymous, California

 

As a penny-pinching peanut aficionado, I’m sure glad I’m not in your shoes. Tough call. If the jar passed the smell test, then there’s a good chance it’s is sandwich-safe. Peanut butter doesn’t really spoil for a couple years at room temperature and yours was refrigerated. Even if it has gone 'bad', the only noticeable change would be a slight stale taste and a chemical reaction that converts the peanut oil into a highly poisonous Aphlotoxin. There’s a descent chance that it wouldn’t even kill you, at least not right away. I say go for it. It’s probably worth the risk when you consider that a fresh jar could cost upwards of four dollars.

On the other hand, if you’re too big of a wuss to play Russian Ratatouille with your condiments, you can still find some fun, practical uses for that jar of sketchy nuts. Use it in mousetraps. Seal cracks in drafty windows. Lubricate machinery. Smear dirty words all over the car of someone you hate. Sculpt a peanut butter beard onto the chin of a friend who’s passed out drunk at a party. Forget ‘teabagging’. There’s a better way to smear nuts onto the face of your unconscious buddies.

 

"I just feel ugly lately. I know it's superficial, but it sucks when guys just don't bother asking you out. I just want to give up and go hide." - Karen, New York

I'm sorry you feel ugly. Feeling ugly is worse than feeling stupid and hungry combined. But let me first ask you an important question. Are you? Really. Are you? Are you actually ugly, or are you one of those pretty girls who goes around whining about your two pimples and asking if your size 1 ass looks fat in jeans three sizes too small? Shit, even Gandhi would have muffin-top in jeans like that. I have nothing but contempt for hot girls who go around grunting about how ugly they are just to get people to tell them they’re pretty. Ugliness is a serious problem, and what you’re doing is disgusting. You’re like someone with a twisted ankle calling herself a ‘cripple’ for sympathy points. Basically, if you’re more Madonna than Medusa, you can just shut your full, perky lips. You sicken me.

On the other hand if you’re actually hideous or even just slightly repulsive, my heart goes out to you. It would be great if we lived in a world where you were judged by the size of your heart, not the size of your ass. It would also be nifty to live in a world without war, a two-day work week, and free magical unicorn rides on your birthday. Unfortunately, here in reality the pretty people have it so much better. And you have to pay for those birthday unicorn rides.

The good news is that anyone can get hotter. The bad news is that you probably won’t. You already know what you need to do to turn up your physical attraction thermostat a few degrees. Do you need to eat less crap? Pluck more hair? Start taking regular showers? You know exactly what you should do. You just don’t feel like doing it. So instead, you go buy some new shoes and a self-help book you read two chapters of before it winds up wedged under the broken end of your dresser. (At least it helps to level out something.)

If you’re too lazy to change, too poor to get that nose job, or too clueless to buy clothes you look good in, there’s only one thing you can do: Own it. Whatever it is that makes you ugly, pretend like that’s your greatest attribute. This isn’t some feel-good crap about loving yourself before others can love you. That’s not true. You just have to fake that you love yourself . Just pretend, and if you tell that lie enough it will start to become true. Lying is the best way to solve many of life’s problems. When you can’t buy your way out, lie your way out. Remember that, and you’ll be a giant, hairy, hook-nosed, pimply, flat-chested, stinky goddess. I’ve got a boner for you already.